Workshop Radio
99.4 FM, broadcasting from the very top of the world. Carols, snow, reindeer news and the latest from Compliance, read by the elves themselves.
Workshop Radio player
Off. Press the power button to tune in.
Every bulletin is written out in full below, and the screen shows the words as they're read. New bulletins arrive as the season goes on, and some only play after dark.
On the air this season
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News
Mitten Amnesty
This week is Mitten Amnesty Week. If you have a mitten that is not yours, please return it to the Spare Mitten Cupboard. No questions asked.
The cupboard currently holds two hundred and twelve left mittens and three right mittens. Somewhere, there are a great many cold right hands. Please help.
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News
From the Kitchens
An update from the Kitchens. Gingerbread production is at full speed. The ovens are warm, the icing is piped, and the smell can be detected in Hangar One.
The Kitchens would like to remind everyone that the gingerbread people are for eating, not for hiring. Several of them have applied to join the Sweeping Team anyway.
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FROSTBYTE
A Note From Mrs. Claus
We have a short message from Mrs. Claus, about the portal. I'll read it out.
"Dear everyone. Yes, the portal is open. Yes, people can see our toy counts and our memos and our very long list of glitter. I have decided to leave it that way, because it's nice. Let them see how much we love making things. Love, Mrs. C. P.S. Compliance, please stop saying breach in the canteen."
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Safety tip
Compliance Reminders
Some friendly reminders from the Office of Compliance.
One. Do not lick frozen things. This includes flagpoles, railings, the sleigh, and especially icicles. You know who you are.
Two. Do not leave doors open. Or windows. Or portals.
Three. Report anything unusual to Compliance. Unusual things this week included a singing teapot, a sock with no partner, and a visitor who said "hello" from somewhere called Ohio.
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News
Elf of the Week
It's time for Elf of the Week.
This week's winner wrapped three hundred presents before Cocoa Break, sang every carol in the right key, and still found time to help a reindeer find its other glove. Reindeer do not wear gloves. Nobody knows where it came from. It has been returned.
Congratulations! Your certificate is in the post. Please collect your prize: a slightly larger mug.
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News
The Kindness Index
And now, the Kindness Index.
The Big Abacus reports that kindness is up again this week, all around the world. Doors held open. Toys shared. Grandparents phoned. One small person let their little brother have the last cookie, which the Abacus has marked as "heroic".
Keep it up, everyone. This is the most important number we count.
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News
Sweater Contest Results
The results of this year's Most Festive Sweater contest are in!
Third place: a sweater with forty-two pompoms. Second place: a sweater that plays a tune when you hug it. And first place goes to a sweater so sparkly that Glitter Containment had to be called. Twice.
Congratulations to everyone who entered. Please return all borrowed bells to the Bell Department.
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Safety tip
Glitter Containment Drill
This is a test of the Glitter Containment System. This is only a test.
If this had been a real glitter spill, you would have been told to stand still, close your eyes, and think calm thoughts while the Sweeping Team arrived.
Reminder: glitter goes everywhere. That is what glitter is for. Compliance accepts this. Compliance does not have to like it.
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A word from our sponsor
A Word From the Cocoa Hut
Cold paws? Frosty ears? Lost your mitten in the Squish Division again?
Come on down to the Cocoa Hut, where every mug now comes with twenty percent more marshmallow. That's not a typo. That's a promise.
The Cocoa Hut. Open every Cocoa Break, which is at twelve o'clock. As always.
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News
Toy Testing Results
Here are this week's toy testing results.
Bricks and Building tested four thousand towers. One fell down. It was on purpose. They wanted to check that falling down is still fun. It is.
Wooden Toys report every spinning top spun. Plush and Stuffing report every teddy is extremely huggable. And the Puzzle Department reports they finished every puzzle, apart from one piece, which is under the couch with the slippers.
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Weather
Sleigh Lane Traffic
Traffic update. Things are moving nicely on the main corridor, with light traffic past the Candy Cane Forest.
There is a small backup at the Gift Wrap Station, where somebody has run out of tape again. And a delivery cart has stopped near Hangar One to let a family of snow hares cross. Everyone is waiting very patiently.
If you are heading to Cocoa Break, allow an extra two minutes. Everyone else is heading there too.
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Weather
The Weather Desk
Time for the weather, with me, Basil Shortbread, Load Master. Weather is very important for loading.
This morning: snow. This afternoon: snow, but sideways. Tonight: snow, followed by a beautiful sky full of stars, followed by snow.
Wind chill is "brisk". Hat chill is "please wear one". Reindeer visibility is excellent, especially for Reindeer Nine, who glows.
Back to you in the studio. Which is also where I am. Hello.
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FROSTBYTE
The Big Abacus Report
Basil Shortbread here, with the Big Abacus report.
The Big Abacus has counted the visitors to our portal this morning. There are lots of them. They come from every time zone. Many are eating breakfast. Several are still in pajamas. None of them are elves.
Compliance would like everyone to know that this is "being investigated". Mrs. Claus would like everyone to know that it is "rather lovely, actually". So, hello, visitors. Mind the glitter.
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FROSTBYTE
Our Cookie Policy
Good news, everyone. Compliance has finished reviewing the workshop's cookie policy.
The North Pole uses cookies. Gingerbread, mostly. Some sugar cookies. Some chocolate chip. Occasionally oatmeal, although nobody has admitted to making them.
Our cookies are used to improve Santa's experience, and are stored in a tin. To accept all cookies, simply leave them on a plate. Milk is optional, but recommended.
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Safety tip
Beware the Fruitcake Message
A warning from Compliance. Several elves have received a note that says: "Congratulations! You have won a free fruitcake! Just tell us your password to claim it."
Do not reply. This is a trick. Real prizes never need your password. Also, nobody has ever really wanted a free fruitcake.
If something online says you have won a prize, or asks for secret information, or says you must hurry, that is your signal. Stop. Show a grown-up. Have a cookie while you wait.
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Safety tip
New Password Rules
Attention all staff. Following the FROSTBYTE incident, there are new password rules, effective immediately.
The password "password" is no longer allowed. Neither is "one two three four five". Neither is "jinglebells". Neither is "reindeer six", Reindeer Six.
A good password is long, like a scarf. It mixes things up, like a fruitcake. And it is never, ever shared. Not with your best friend. Not with a snowman. Not even with a very polite penguin.
Compliance thanks you for your cooperation. Please also stop writing your password on your hat.
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Safety tip
Ask Compliance: What Is a "Leak"?
Today on Ask Compliance, a question from a young elf in Wrapping: "Mister Ledgerly, what is a leak?"
Excellent question. A leak is when information ends up somewhere it was not meant to go. Like a snow globe with a tiny crack. The snow is still snow. It is just on the table now.
That is why some things are kept somewhere extra safe. Your name, where you live, and your passwords are snow that stays inside the globe. You only share them with a grown-up you trust.
If you are ever not sure, the rule at the North Pole is the same as everywhere else. Stop. Don't click. Show a grown-up.
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FROSTBYTE
A Statement on FROSTBYTE
Good morning. This is Bartholomew Ledgerly, Head Elf of Compliance.
You may have heard that our internal portal can now be seen from outside the North Pole. We are calling this the FROSTBYTE incident. Please remain calm. Please also stop calling it "the big oopsie". It is an incident.
Here are the facts. Only paperwork was involved. Toy counts. Glitter requisitions. One cocoa order with extra marshmallows. Letters to Santa were never involved. They live in a separate, very locked cupboard that has never been connected to anything.
We take your cheer very seriously. Thank you for listening. Compliance out.
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News
Good Morning, Workshops
Good morning, workshops, and welcome to Workshop Radio, the only radio station broadcasting from the top of the world.
Today's weather: snow, followed by more snow, with a chance of snow. Visibility is good, if you like looking at snow.
Production news: the Squish Division in Plush and Stuffing is very busy. Bricks and Building would like the owner of the slippers by the couch to collect them. And a reminder that Cocoa Break is at twelve o'clock. As always.
That's all for now. Keep your hands warm and your ribbons straight.